Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.