Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.