Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
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*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
How to find Kentucky on a map
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
2022: I can fix it
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Best seat on the street 😍
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box