Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.