Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
asking santa clause for nudes
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.