“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.