Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”