Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
fourth time’s the charm
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”