Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
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9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
that lip filler tho
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS