@HollyHeals

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

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@TheAlexP

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

@pilau

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

@markydoodoo

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

@envydatropic

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

@behindyourback

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

@RachelMComedy

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

@mcdadstuff

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

@Clanopath

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

@bobvulfov

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

@kimwilliamz

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁