Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter


*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache


I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.


I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me


we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi


Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”


Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.


Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..


me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie


There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁