Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
When someone says you are so lazy
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.