Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
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The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.