Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
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Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.