Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
me 2 months after i graduated
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod