Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
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Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Personal question. #JustSaying
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.