Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids


8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real


*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*


I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.


And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.


I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.


Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now


A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”


[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.