@Beerhaze She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
@KizerBillhelm Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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@Beerhaze 
@ieatanddrink Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
@cwhudson [at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
@robfee There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
@LeeMifsud “I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
@UncleDuke1969 when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
@IKnowImNotCool *driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
@HumanPog *gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
@ofcrowsandbears My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
@stephenjmolloy Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”