Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs: