Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
You Might Also Like
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
the short answer to this question
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]