Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*gets down on one knee*
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by