Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Matt Goss
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.