Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.