Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I hate everything
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Birds & Planes.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf