Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.