Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
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Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?