Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”