Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
You Might Also Like
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
bought wrong eggs
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.