Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
You Might Also Like
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.