Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”