Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.