Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.


Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that


“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”


Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.


I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.


“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone


I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.


The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.


If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.


I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.