Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON