Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.