Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.