Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Alexa, make me look good naked.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
You had me at “define legal”.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.