Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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The Sun
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Breaking news:
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs