@robdelaney

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

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@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

@10InchesPlus

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

@iwearaonesie

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

@WilliamAder

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

@TravLeBlanc

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

@nice_mustard

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

@RichardDawkins

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

@WheelTod

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

@kryzazzy

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly