We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Start the year as you intend to continue.