Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
How can I say no to this ?
My Sentiments Exactly
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?