Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
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I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
More like Kate Missington.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”