Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Put my back out twerking in the library again
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.