Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I’m sure it’s fine.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
What a website
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA