ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions