Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
You Might Also Like
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
this is the news I live for
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive