Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?