Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Mmmm canned fish.
LA today:
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
me and my fake scenarios
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.