Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…