Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
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Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell