Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
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i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.