Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
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When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”