Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Mad Max Arctic Road
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand