Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.