“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
CRYING
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.