Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
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Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?