every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
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[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I鈥檓 back
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Feels like the fourth month in January
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don鈥檛 even know who this kid is anymore.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I鈥檝e thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they鈥檙e just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Captain America: I got the alert, what鈥檚 the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it鈥檚 snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON鈥橳 SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler鈥檚 holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
i actually laughed 馃槱
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I鈥檓 mad at you.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
knights of the ikea table
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…