Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.