Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
that colleague who touches your screen
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs