Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
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“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
ok, we can trust that baby
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.