Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
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No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Oh my god
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.