Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
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At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Try and stop me.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.