Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
You Might Also Like
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Rather alarming headline…
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My dog after a walk in the woods.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH